Personal Stuff · Uncategorized

Cleaning Your Inbox: A Guided Meditation

Ohm Chianti.

Step 1: Determine your Purpose.

If you’re anything like me, you receive an email and, unless it’s from your significant other, a family member, or Modcloth, you skip it and move onto the next one. Totally normal, totally true to your low-maintenance, shrug-your-shoulders-and-let-the-gluten-free-chips-fall-where-they-may stance on life. One day, you decide to open up your Google Drive only to find you have about 15% of space remaining to save all your PSD files, music, professional photos, etc. And that’s when you panic.

Step 2: Find a Safe Space

Deep breath. Okay. Is this your primary email account? The email you give to the lady at Bath & Body Works who insists that “each time you enter your email, you get more deals” (I call bullshit) ? Depending on what type of account it is and how long you’ve let it collect all the useless crap now floating among 15,035 other emails, you may be running into some dangerous emotional territory. Email, after all, is the new time capsule. Think about it: your interests, ideas, projects, friends, flirty messages, everything is funneled through your email these days. Even social media notifications. Set up your safe space… a space where you can scream, cry, flex your wrists, stress eat, whatever. Cheez-Its, some Yellow Tail wine and your favorite comfy socks with cats on them are a great starting point. Or your normal dinner setup, if you’re me.

But first, goddess pose.

Step 3: Start with the Worst Ones

Your list of items to blindly and immediately delete (do not look at them. Don’t even read the subject lines) should include but are certainly not limited to: Exes, dating site notifications, billing statements, those asshole student loan messages, emails from gossipy friends/frenemies, rejected job applications, and threads from school group projects that are (thank GOD) long gone. These messages may be hanging out in your archive, main inbox, or even that cute little “Personal” folder you set up. Check ’em all. Even the Finances folder.

You do not need to read these. Delete, delete, delete. You can’t nama-slay at life if you bring up the negative past. These people, and the feelings they bring with them, do not belong in your present life.

With your eyes closed and a deep inhale, move into plow pose, because you’re totes plowing away all that negative shit.

Step 4: Remember the Good

If you’re anything like me, you probably participate in some negative self-talk (“self-talk”? More like “self-monologue”. Mine goes on 24/7). Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably are using a Gmail account, which has 15 GB of space. Dedicate some of that space in a helpful way by creating a folder where you keep positive thoughts. This can include emails of praise from your manager or co-workers, exciting news that has been shared with you, images close to your heart, or even screenshots from social media that remind you of the positive things in your life.

How often do we take time to go back to positive events that happen in our lives? Many of us choose to relive negative events before we ever relive the good ones. As you sit there and clean out your inbox, take time to read those positive emails and remember the positive memories.

Close your eyes and imagine that your positive emails are forming a ball of neon green light. Take that ball and place it into an infinity pool located at the beach resort of your choosing. Swim with the ball, touch the ball, play with the ball, and, finally, consume the ball.

Step 5: Perform a Final Cleansing Ceremony

You are finally free: you have purged your inbox of negative memories. Now, it is time to create a new, positive space in your inbox that will invite serenity and happiness.

Find the settings in your Gmail account, and go to your theme options. Change your inbox background to your spirit animal: a dove, a cheetah, a lion, a polar bear, Leslie Knope, or Michelle Obama. Take a moment to peer into your spirit animal’s soul and thank them for their guidance.

Take a deep breath in, and exhale out. Take your computer mouse into your heads, and lift it above your head, with your ring and little fingers folded down, creating a modified mudra. Stay in this position for the duration of Enya’s “Who Can Say”.

Spend a few final moments in a restorative pose that calls to you. Exit out of your email, turn off your computer, and do a celebratory shot of vodka. 

Repeat this inbox cleansing at 3:00am during every full moon.


Personal Stuff

This is the only wedding-related post I’ll ever write.

Last Thursday, I huddled in a corner of our house and decided to pull together a wedding invitation-sending marathon. I was on envelope 22 of 57, singing along to Fiona Apple’s “Not About Love” and geeking out over how awesome my brand new Sharpie Pen was. Suddenly, I realized it was the first time since becoming engaged in December that I was actually having fun doing something wedding-related. And it’s all, sadly, because I was doing two things that I love doing in my everyday life: writing with nice pens and listening to good music. And I guess sticking labels and envelope seals and stamps everywhere was kind of fun, too, because hey, who doesn’t like stickers?

I’m pretty sure Fiona Apple is not the artist of choice when it comes to choosing wedding invitation-stuffing accompaniments. In fact, she is basically the antithesis of anything lovey-dovey, happy or even mentally-sound. But that’s okay. It was my space, my time, and I could listen to anything I wanted, regardless of what the ‘proper’ soundtrack (and I’m sure some poor soul on has created such a thing) for stuffing invitations is.

And that basically sums up how I feel about my upcoming wedding ceremony and reception.

I don’t like decorating. I’m way too cheap, I’m not crafty, and I have more trivial things to worry about, like what I’m going to get at Panera for lunch or why there have been three turkeys chilling in this person’s front yard the whole week I’ve driven by during my morning commute.  I like things as simple as can be, and that’s exactly how I’ve planned our beachside wedding to be: no frills, just the basics.

Okay, I lied — PERHAPS I would get excited over something as awesome as a tiered donut stand in lieu of a wedding cake.

People have questioned why I’m being so simple about the ‘most important day of my life,’ but I want to know – is that really the truth these days, or is it a standard set by companies and the movie industry? Call me a feminist, but I wasn’t born with the end goal of being married – I was born with a desire to learn, to work hard, explore the world, raise kids one day and hopefully read some really awesome books along the way. Everyone has different goals and priorities, and I think it’s okay for me, and others, to admit that sometimes planning a big wedding just isn’t one of those things that you dream of like other girls do.

When I was little, my big dream was to have an apartment and a cat of my own. I also had a desire to learn how to churn butter, but that’s probably because I was temporarily obsessed with the Little House on the Prairie books. I dreamed about being a published writer and learning a new language and going to college and joining a sorority. I don’t think I ever once played out a wedding scene with Barbies, but then again I wasn’t a big fan of them to begin with. I was too busy playing handheld electronic games and recording songs with my sisters. These dreams that we have when we are young, although sometimes silly, fuel our desires and goals when we get older. The more of them we accomplish, whether we end up truly liking them or not, the more fulfilled we feel. I guess this all leads up to my ultimate response when people ask how wedding planning is going: It’s going well, but it’s not something I can say I’m genuinely excited about because it just was never a dream of mine to begin with.

For all the gung-ho brides-to-be out there, I applaud you for your eagerness to match color pallets, your willingness to spend hours crafting things that I probably could never make, your unwavering interest in bridal magazines and websites and your general excitement over what you have always dreamed of being the best day in the world. Your dreams were different than mine, but that doesn’t mean we are different – we both are getting married because we’ve found a person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and that, my future veil-adorned friends, is certainly worth walking down the aisle for.